Hello?
Hello? Who is this?
Why do you keep calling?
Hey.
I know you.
No, I don't think so.
Oh, look, there's Sammy's mom.
- Hi, Sammy's mom. - Hi.
We're just bringing you some cookies.
- We heard you got a new kitten. - Yeah.
Max would love to come over and see it soon, wouldn't you, babe?
- Yeah. - Yeah. Want a cookie?
No, thanks.
Marla, sorry about the construction.
I know it's been really noisy.
See you.
You care too much what people think.
But we're friends. It's...
We've had so many play dates together. It was crazy.
So she's in a bad mood. Who cares?
I care.
Just because you can remove yourself to feel superior, doesn't mean I can.
What the hell is that?
It's what you do so you're never affected by people.
I can take the next customer.
No, no, no. Wait. Excuse me.
- I was next. - No, you weren't.
But you can't do that. Hey.
- I was waiting in line. It's not right. - Let me help them, then I'll help you.
You see that? Were they in front of me?
No. This is crazy. I've been waiting in line.
How important could being in front of me be?
- Calm down. - Really. What kind of person are you?
Feel you got away with something? Is this really worth it to you?
Sorry, could you step over there, wait your turn?
- Seriously. - Is there a manager here?
- I'm the manager.
How can I help you? Everything all right?
Everything's not all right. These two people cut in front of me.
Everyone is letting them get away with it.
Them. There. Those two people with their stupid fucking faces.
I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the store, ma'am.
Me, you kick out, and to them you do nothing?
Let's go, ma'am. I'm sorry.
Just let me buy what I need.
I don't think that's going to happen.
Well, then take it all, then!
On top of it, I don't get the part...
...where the guy tells the other guy not to come to the house.
No, no. I don't think you're supposed to get it.
It's like... It's deliberately confusing.
Really? You sure?
I... I don't know what I'm saying.
Are you hungry?
Yeah, I'm starving. Let's... Should we go and find somewhere to eat?
I actually... Just earlier today I went to a farmers' market.
I live right up the street. So, I mean, I could make us something.
- Oh, listen, I don't want to impose. - No. Please, I love to cook.
I would... It would be my pleasure.
You've got such a great place.
Your paintings and stuff. Did your wife decorate or did you?
You know, my wife pretends to be interested in that stuff, but she's not.
I ended up doing the whole thing myself pretty much.
My wife's into her designing, but I did the house.
I think we're ready. Do you mind grabbing that?
- No. - Thank you.
So how long have you guys been married?
Eight and a half years.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Us too. - No.
- Yeah. - You have kids?
No. No. You guys?
Yeah. We have a son.
Was that a..? Like a conscious decision?
We... We tried actually, for years.
But at this point, it looks like it's not gonna work out.
- Sorry. - Yeah.
It's actually been a huge strain on our relationship.
How so?
You know, just not being able to get pregnant and...
You know.
I'm sorry, this is weird.
Maybe I... I mean, maybe I'm being too intimate.
No, no. It's okay. It's funny, I just feel... I feel really comfortable with you, so...
Me too. I'm glad.
Usually, when I become friends with a guy, he thinks I'm hitting on him.
Just because you care about what you wear...
...doesn't meant to say you're gay. - Exactly.
I love your shirt, by the way.
Her hair alone should have been a sign.
You think she just stopped bathing?
No, just shampooing.
Maybe she's upset because her husband's gay.
God, why do you always say that? He's not gay.
But what else could he be?
Well, he's not. He's just Aaron.
Hi. I can't believe I had my phone off.
I was at the movies and forgot to turn it back on.
- She's not out yet. - Is she okay?
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, you know, she always did want a nose job.
It's not funny.
- Hi. - How bad is her face?
- My God. - She broke her nose.
Was she in a lot of pain?
Actually, she couldn't stop laughing.
When she was conscious.
What's even weirder is that she hates Old Navy.
- I mean... - I love Old Navy.
That's good.
So where were you?
I was at the movies with a friend of mine.
- Which friend? - New friend. This guy I met.
So, Olivia, are you gonna talk to me or what?
You know...
Look, it was a really stupid idea. Let's just forget it.
No, I won't. I can't believe you won't talk to me...
...because I asked you two questions.
It wasn't just about two questions, Franny. It was your tone.
- What happened, huh? - She...
She wants to be a personal trainer.
Oh, you know what? Fuck all of you guys, all right?
Look, I'm sorry I don't have my entire life figured out.
Olivia, we love you.
We're the ones who love you.
It's not like we have all our lives figured out.
Oh, that is such bullshit.
You chose to quit your job.
That job was intolerable.
That's still you.
Wheelchair to Admitting.
Well, I hope Jane will be okay for the benefit thing.
Shit. What am I gonna wear?
- My God. - I don't understand...
I don't understand these fundraisers.
I mean, they waste all this money on the these parties.
Why don't they just give the money to the scientists or to the sick people?
But you know what? They don't.
They throw a party so rich people like me...
...can spend $10,000 on a table...
...and then they give it to the sick people.
Okay? That's how it's done.
- Hello? - Hi. It's Olivia.
You cannot call me here.
Come on. You know. I really... I really, really need to see you.
That's not possible.
Yeah, but don't you miss me at all?
- I have to hang up. - Come on. Just answer me.
I gotta go. I'll see you.
Hello?
Hi. This is Olivia.
Olivia?
My husband's one-night stand?
Yeah.
I guess, if you consider two months a one-night stand.
Could you please put him on the phone?
Olivia, why don't you go find a husband of your own.
I would if I fucking could, Edie!
Fuck off!
Hey, what about this one, honey?
That one, Christine, is scrawny and dead.
I'm not spending $100 on that.
- They're all $100. - It's disgusting.
Why? You'd spend it on something else, why not a Christmas tree?
- Because we throw them away. - That's crazy.
No, $100 on a Christmas tree, that's what's crazy.
What's that?
Nothing. I'm just trying to be more like Franny. Not annoyed.
Good. So let's not get one.
Fine.
But I want one.
- All right. - Sorry, honey.
- That one's more money. - Fuck it.
See, there are a lot of things that are wrong and right.
As you get older, you try to figure out which ones are which.
And some are big and obvious...
...like don't kill anybody or hurt anybody on purpose.
And some are trickier.
And sometimes you do the wrong thing...
...before you know you're doing the wrong thing.
Want some? These are cute.
Like what?
Oh, I don't know.
Okay, say you're taking a test, and you don't know the answer.
So you look at the guy's paper sitting next to you, and you copy his answer.
- That's bad, right? - Right. You should not do that.
But while you're doing it, you're thinking to yourself:
"Well, this doesn't hurt anybody, what difference does it make?"
Well, it does make a difference because those little things add up.
So, Wyatt, what you should understand...
There are a lot of injustices, a lot of things aren't fair.
When people make it worse by doing the wrong things...
...like taking your parking space...
...or cutting in front of you in line at a store...
...and then they're just making the world an uglier place.
I figured out why Christine always thinks Aaron is gay.
Because she wants someone else to have as bad a marriage as she does.
And then she just gets mad because she thinks Jane's in denial.
You know, I have no idea what you just said.
Don't you think we have enough?
A couple more.
Well, they won't know what hit them.
Yeah, well, isn't that the point?
Hey, lookit.
- Lookit. - Hey, stop... Don't go through her stuff.
Well, she leaves it right here.
Well, it's her house. Where else is she supposed to put it?
I don't know. Hidden somewhere. Isn't she scared you're gonna find it?
I didn't. You did.
Did you clean those shelves?
Yeah.
I got you a Christmas present.
Hey.
You... You missed a spot over there.
Get it.
Back here.
Yeah, back here.
Faster. Faster.
- Okay, turn it off. - What?
Put the vacuum down. You're done with that now.
Dust... Dust... Dust the trellis.
And don't... Don't miss any spots. It's delicate. It's very delicate.
Yeah. Yeah.
- Yes. - Yes, what?
Yes, Mr. Mike.
Yeah. Get the lower bits.
- Don't be sloppy. They're delicate... - All right, you know what?
I thought this maid's thing was about sex.
- It will be. - When?
I'll be right back.
Well, what the fuck did you think?
That somehow we could all just see through it?
Excuse me. You guys have to stop, okay? You have to stop working.
Guys, you have to stop, okay? You have...
Everybody, the job's over, all right? No more work. Please.
Go home. You guys can go... Does anybody speak English?
Anyone? No work. You can all go home. You understand?
- No work? - No work. Exactly. No work.
- You can all go home, okay? Adiós. - Go home?
Hey, hey. Hey, what the hell are you doing?
We have completely ruined our street. Do you know what we've done?
Guys, go back to work, please.
- Yes. - No. No, you have to stop. Please.
No, David. Listen. I just came from Marla's house.
We've completely ruined her view and everybody else's.
Our house is so fucking huge no one can see the sky anymore.
Are you serious? You didn't know? Right.
Know what? That we were doing something really, really gross?
- No, I didn't. - What planet are you on?
Everybody in the neighborhood is doing this.
Marla's trying to make you feel guilty. You're the one that wanted the view.
How the fuck else would you see the ocean from the bedroom?
Hi, Christine. This is Melanie Charney.
You know that maid you recommended?
I'm sure this isn't the case, I wanted to know how well you know her...
... because, I don't know, this is silly...
... but I'm missing a $75 jar of face cream.
And I just can't imagine where it went.
I mean, what kind of person would steal someone's face cream?
Will you give me a call when you can?
We're more than halfway through. We're not stopping now.
- You don't care about others. - You knew.
You just didn't want to pay attention.
- I didn't know! - You notice what you want.
Shit!
I'm going out for a while.
"You all right? Did you burn yourself?"
What are you talking about?
Nothing. I just burned the fuck out of my hand...
...and I politely asked myself if I was all right.
It's something you seem to be incapable of doing.
- What? - I just burned my hand.
- Did you notice? - I don't... I don't know. Yes, I guess so.
Does it ever occur to you to say, "Are you all right?"
- You are all right. - But does it ever occur to you to ask?
If you're all right, which you clearly are...
...then what the fuck is the difference?
If you want me to know you're all right, why don't you tell me?
Okay. So say I scrape the fuck out of my arm.
And I yell:
And you don't say anything.
I should say, "Don't worry, honey, I'm all right."
Yes. What's wrong with that?
So I'll speak to you soon. I had a good time.
I thought we were gonna go to dinner or something.
I can't. I can't. I wish I could.
I already have a plan for dinner. I'm sorry.
Thanks for my present.
We... We almost forgot.
My cut.
You really want this money?
I helped.
You're a fuck.
You just will. People do.
But how? I can't even imagine.
Does one of us move out?
- Him or me? - Him.
I can't believe I'm talking about this.
I'm sorry, Aaron, you can have your wife back.
I just... I should go anyway.
Just take your time.
Hi, my name is Olivia...
...and I am the lady that cleans your house.
And I'm calling to say...
...that I'm not going to be able to come to work anymore.
Actually, I got another job.
I'm... So I'm very sorry.
Hey, it's Marty. Leave a message after the beep.
All right.
Hi, this is Olivia. I'm the lady that cleans your house...
...and I'm calling to say that I'm not gonna be able to...
Hey.
Oh, hi. You're there.
- Yeah. - I'm calling to tell you...
... that I'm not gonna be able to do it anymore.
Well, how come?
Be... Well...
Because I just...
- Well, actually, I got a job. - What is it?
In cosmetics.
Yeah.
Hey, what do you do?
I am presently not employed at the moment.
Well, what did you do?
A little bit of everything. A lot of nothing.
Do you wanna go out sometime?
Sure.
Good.
- Pretty good, huh? - That's very nice.
- Very pretty. - God.
Is this too dressy for homeless people?
ALS, ALS.
Why do I keep forgetting that?
Oh, wow, this is soft.
When did you start working with this fabric?
- It gets little holes in it, though. - Really?
I'm kind of afraid to move.
It looks cuter when it gets little holes.
Jesus, not when you're paying 800 bucks for it.
Well, you're not paying for it.
- I didn't mean anything by that. - It's okay.
I know it's overpriced, but it has to be.
- I'm paying for mine. - Shut up.
- I will. - Just shut up.
- Why shouldn't I? - Because it's a gift.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- All right. - Thank you.
I don't know about that.
- I know. - This?
Take it off.
Take it off, take it off.
Oh, thank you so much. I... It's just a little runny.
Oh, sorry. I'll make it again.
You should not apologize. He should be apologizing.
You should've order them over-medium, honey.
No, then they come back dry.
Always. Especially here.
Oh, we've never been here actually.
- Who picked it? - I did.
I really like it, I really like it.
- So do I. There's such... - What do you do?
- Oh, we run the company together. - Yeah, yeah.
Aaron's the artist, and I'm pretty much the bookkeeper.
- No. - I always give socks as presents.
- Really? - I have for years.
So did we, but you can only give your wares away for so long...
...and then you actually have to buy something.
Didn't I ask for coffee an hour ago? Excuse me.
Could I have some more co..? Fell off the face of the fucking earth.
What do you have to do..? They have one job and they can't do that right.
- Jane. Please. - What? What?
Will you not have one of your fits.
I mean, we're having a really lovely time. Okay?
He's gay.
He's not gay.
- Oh, okay. - You just met his wife.
Who has a serious bug up her ass...
...and has a reason. - She does.
What does she have to complain about?
Do you know how much her clothes cost? They're hideously overpriced.
- Sweetheart, you buy them. - Oh, they're gorgeous.
Who cares if you don't get another coffee?
Was it worth making us look like crazy people...
...in front of our new friends?
Just tell me.
What horrible injustice was done to you that you have to act this way?
What is it that you don't have...
...that you have to walk straight into a plate-glass window?
Or that you can't get up the incentive to wash your fucking hair.
- I wash my hair. - Yeah, when?
Have you seen it recently?
Just tell me, are you intending to go to the benefit looking like that?
What's the point? It gets dirty and you have to wash it all again.
That's what civilized people do. They get up and they wash their hair.
And when it gets dirty, they wash it again.
- Well, I don't want to. - Jesus. Is this your idea of rebelling...
...against the way things are? - I'm not rebelling.
- What are you doing? - I'm just tired.
Of what?
I just guess I feel like there's no more wondering what it's gonna be like.
Like what's gonna be like?
My fabulous life.
You don't like your life?
No, I do. I like my life.
Good.
I hate black tie.
You know, Olivia's bringing some guy again.
We're buying some guy a $1000 dinner?
I know. At first, I was kind of annoyed.
But then I just feel so bad that I introduced her to Mike.
I mean...
I had no idea he'd be such a dick.
And then she knew David wasn't coming...
...and there's an extra seat, so you know.
Still have to talk to him.
Well, just sit at the other side of the table.
It's for a good cause.
What? ALS or Olivia?
Wow, you look amazing.
Thank you.
Maybe this guy will be the right one.
It only takes one.
Do I have a smudge?
No.
It's just, I think you might be a little casual.
Do you have a tie?
I... Oh...
So, what's he like?
He sounded kind of nice.
More like her than her other boyfriends.
Isn't it weird how they throw these fancy parties for money?
Why don't they give the money to the sick people directly?
It seems like such a waste, right?
Anyway...
You know, I don't think the two of you have much in common.
I know. I sometimes wonder if we met now...
...if we'd be friends.
Not likely.
Probably not.
That's good.
- That's so true. - Yeah.
That is so true.
You're funny.
- Max? - Yes?
Do you like these shoes?
Or are they too clunky?
- What's "clunky" mean? - It means, you know, heavy.
Not delicate. Like chunky.
You're not gonna give me any help, are you?
Good boy.
When we met, I had like 400 different kinds, remember?
Yeah, I do.
I was obsessed with shampoo.
I thought if I could find the right one...
...my hair would be the hair I always wanted.
Like, every time I washed it was a new opportunity.
A new chance to be pretty.
Just right.
Then I married you...
...and I found out they all have the same shit in them.
You guys...
... I love this stuff.
This is amazing.
Lookit, this is expensive stuff.
Oh, my God, would you smell that candle.
- Vomit. - What?
- Here. - Oh, please. You serious?
- Yeah. - You know what?
Give her the whole thing.
Thank you. Oh, my God.
Listen, I'm keeping mine.
It's what you put in this bag anyway.
If you want to, you could just donate that directly to ALS.
Oh, fuck you.
- How is Max? - He's okay.
He's gonna go to a shrink. I think it'll help him.
- Yeah, that's good. - In case you're wondering...
...my husband and I just split. - I know, Olivia told me everything.
Sorry. I'm divorced too.
It's really hard at first.
Marty has a daughter.
And I actually saw a picture of her. She's so cute.
- She's 10. She's beautiful. - Really?
- What's her name? - Ivy.
Ivy. I love that name.
So, Marty, what do you..? What do you do?
I mean, for a living?
I dabble in some stuff...
...and...
...opportunities, investments.
I get stuff done.
- There's so much stuff in this auction. - Yeah, there are.
Reese Witherspoon will knit me a sweater.
- Sweetheart, look at this. - So weird.
Tandem bike. We could get that and ride that.
How long would that take?
Does anyone know what a Donzi boat is?
- I don't. - Oh, my God.
Who would pay to walk on Nip/Tuck?
Oh, God, I would.
I'd be there in a shot.
That surprises me.
Why?
Is this pretty fucking small for 1000 bucks.
Jane, please.
Before we start eating our really small food...
...I wanna make a toast...
...to the fact that, you know, we don't have ALS...
...or anything horrible.
- Yet. - Jesus, Matt.
No, no, no, it's true.
This is when starts. This is the age.
No shit, man. I just found out I have 15 percent bone loss.
- Which bone? - What is bone loss?
It's absolutely normal.
It's like kind of before osteoporosis sets in.
Welcome and thank you all for being part of this very important evening.
Project ALS is driving scientific research forward.
And tonight, we are paying tribute to the individuals...
You were the prettiest one there.
He was actually really nice.
And did you see his jacket? It was...
It was really quite beautiful.
- Whose? - Olivia's boyfriend.
The fabric, it was quite gorgeous.
Oh, I don't think so.
And I know fabric.
No, no. I felt it on the way out.
It was cashmere.
Pretty expensive.
He does seem nice, you know?
And she looked sort of happy.
And the girls just looked great in your clothes.
You were the prettiest one there.
- Hi. - Hi.
Did he go to sleep okay?
- Yeah, it was fine. - Good.
Thanks. Good night.
Good night.
I know they're a really depressed group of people.
No. That's probably why I was so comfortable around them.
Really? You liked them?
Yeah.
I'm sorry about Matt.
God, he asked all those questions about, you know, your work.
I don't usually tell people this...
...unless I've known them for a long time...
...but I don't work.
Yeah. I don't blame you.
I mean, if I could figure out a way not to do it, I wouldn't either.
I mean, right?
No, I mean...
...I'm really rich.
Yeah, you wish.
No, I mean it.
My family, my father actually...
...was incredibly wealthy, and I inherited all his money.
I don't need to work.
So I don't.
Well, that's... I mean, that's great.
Good for you.
I just can't take the in-laws anymore, Richard.
They're wearing down my nerves.
Well, what do you think it's like for me?
Your sister with those spaghetti dishes.
I thought you liked the way my sister cooked.
She...
You okay, Miss Christine?
So I was thinking, like, a nice armoire over there.
- Oh, yeah. - You know?
I like those.
And maybe some new curtains.
I always... I always wanted to get this...
...but I just don't know where to go. - Oh, I know where to go.
- Really? - Yeah.
- So you'll help me? - Oh, yeah.
- That would be great. - Yeah. No, there's...
Hey, can l..? Can I ask you something?
You know, remember when we first met?
And you bargained down my price?
Yeah?
Why would you do that?
I mean, when you have a lot of money.
I'm sorry.
That's...
I just...
I... I guess I have some issues.
You do?
I... You know, people sort of problems.
I have them.
That's okay.
I got problems.